so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
