I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
pray to the hookup gods
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
