ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
