I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
