Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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