btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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