dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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