we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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