I can text with my tongue
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
God I need to hump something, right now.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
