Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
