i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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