Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
