i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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