I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
