Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
