Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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