i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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