Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
