when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
