I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
