John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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