So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So much rum. So many feels.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
