I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
