what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
someone owes me an orgasm
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
