And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
