Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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