His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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