stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
ok first of all what the fuck
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
