Ambien. No doubt about it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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