is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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