there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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