Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
