Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
