He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
