Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
