Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
