the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
