why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
