Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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