I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
