From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
