Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
