There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
