she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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