he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
