There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
