i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
