all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
