You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
