Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
